22 October, 2013 - 10:22 By Tony Quested

Cambridge technology – foul play suspected

A nationality row has failed to erupt over the ethnic composition of the Cambridge Technology Entrepreneurs First XI – the dream team whose bid to dominate world business is only being blocked by the US All Stars in Silicon Valley.

An anonymous whistle blower condemned the fact that less than 50 per cent of the leading Cambridge technology players were English and demanded that the UK government appoint a commission to investigate the racial imbalance.

This came a week after a top soccer star called for an ‘English only’ England football team.

Identifying himself only as Ken from the Kimbolton Klan, the caller insisted that only English people, born in England – preferably white and most definitely male – should be considered as CEOs or directors of Cambridge’s top tech companies and institutions.

He demanded the formation of a commission, comprising the same ethnic make-up, to suggest reforms that would take Cambridge and the UK back where it belongs – “up shit creek without a paddle” and totally off the radar of “any of those foreign Johnnies.”

A three point plan immediately rejected by the Government suggested:-

• Passport checks conducted by immigration control officers posted at the boardroom doors of all quoted companies

• DNA swabs taken at all Cambridge drinks receptions

• Instant deportation for anyone failing to pronounce the names of contestants on The Apprentice without the hint of a foreign accent

The whistle blower’s ire was triggered by the fact that the manager of the Cambridge Technology Entrepreneurs First XI – Cambridge University Vice-Chancellor Sir Leszek Borysiewicz – was born in Wales of Polish immigrant parents and that his assistant manager, Christoph Loch (Director of the Judge Business School) hails from Germany.

Captain of the First XI is Austrian born Hermann Hauser and three of the most experienced players in the line-up were also born abroad – Sherry Coutu (Canada), Mike Lynch (Ireland) and Andy Hopper (Poland).

And of the brightest new stars to break into the first XI, CSR’s chief executive Joep van Beurden is Dutch.

It leaves the flag of St George (a Turk!) being fluttered by Simon Segars (ARM), serial tech entrepreneur David Cleevely, Jonathan Milner (Abcam), Andy Harter (RealVNC), Richard Green (Ubisense) and life sciences entrepreneur, Sir Greg Winter.

A source close to someone who has absolutely no connection whatsoever with No.10 told Business Weekly: “The complainant suggested it was grossly unfair that foreign-born entrepreneurs should prosper purely because of freak advantages – namely that they had more brains, more commercial ideas, better contacts and superior technology transfer skills.

“As he seemed so keen on Anglo Saxon virtues we told him to f.. off.”

@Tonyquested

Newsletter Subscription

Stay informed of the latest news and features